I don’t wait anymore.

Has some great points.

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Our hamartia.

Recently, I went into the Verizon store with my friend because she was having trouble with her phone. We were helped by one of the tech-savvy salespeople, and while we waited for his computer to boot up, he talked to us about a new promotion that Verizon is having called “Edge”. Basically, Edge allows customers that already pay the highest amounts for their data plans, usually a family plan with multiple smart phone lines, to pay and extra $2-4 a month so that they can upgrade more frequently. People enrolled in this program pay more every month, so that they can pay more every time a new phone comes out, up to 12 times a year. The phone is not free people, it’s discounted. You still have to pay every time you want a new phone. In other words, people are so impatient now that they are paying extra money every month just so they can upgrade their perfectly good iPhone 5 to the newer iPhone 5S. You might be thinking that this makes logical sense, because it kind of acts as a cheaper form of insurance (regularly $10 a month on an iPhone). Nope. You’d be wrong, my friend. The phone must be in good working condition for you to upgrade – if you break the phone, you have to wait just like everyone else, or you can pay the $650 retail price. No thank you.

For some reason, this encounter really hit me hard. Almost all of Verizon’s marketing is aimed towards the Millennial generation (ages 18 – 33), which means that this campaign is targeted at my friends and I. Now, I know that my generation is very impatient and we want everything NOW, no exceptions. When we have to wait for more lives on Candy Crush, we get really annoyed. Because we have to wait. For a video game. We truly are the generation of instant gratification. Between everyone in my generation having his or her own computer, and most of us having a smart phone, it’s a wonder we can tolerate waiting for anything. 

All this being said, I still think Verizon is sending a really terrible message. If we can’t wait 20 months for our phone contract to be up, how on Earth can we wait 30 whole years to pay off our house. Or be married to one person for our entire lives? No wonder the divorce rate is so high, and people are defaulting on their mortgages left and right. Not only do companies see this, but they are playing right for this fatal flaw of ours. They are telling us that it’s okay if we can’t make up our minds, or if we want to change our minds after we have already committed to something. And that is the biggest consequence of all this – commitment issues. Being a college student, I live in a concentrated environment where most of my day to day interactions are with people in this age group. Even some of my professors fall under the upper-end of the “Millennial” generation. And everyone I know with the exception of a few people have MAJOR commitment issues. If a guy is in a relationship with a great girl, but another girl comes into the picture and she is willing to have sex right now, then many times the boy will cheat on the girl. Instant gratification. We can’t commit to anything for the long-term, and that makes me really sad. 

Even though this post is more on the cynical side, I do think there is hope for our generation. If we learn how to break the cycle, and learn to wait for something good to come, then I see this issue going away. After all, good things come to those who wait.

 

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Today I have been off in my own little world. I guess you can call it daydreaming, but having little to no contact with anyone else for an entire day makes my brain go places. And for the first time, in a long time, I was really happy to be alone. I didn’t think about anyone else, which was surprisingly very nice. I daydreamed about traveling, just being on my own, and everything else that I am going to do with myself in the coming months and years. I’ve already learned things about myself that I never would’ve found out if I hadn’t taken the time to just be still. I have spent my life so far just running and moving, never stopping to just be. God wants us to be still – to listen to Him, but also to listen to ourselves. That is the problem with living a life that is constantly in motion – you sacrifice some important things in your life without realizing it. It was a nice refresher today to go to class and get things done, but also to be somewhere that I really wanted to be. 

Along with this whole week of self-introspection, I’ve realized some things about my life that I’ve been lying about. I think I am finally ready to do the necessary work in my heart to make the changes I need to make in order to live the life I want to live. Most of the issues are little things that I need to do to make myself stronger physically, but the hard part will be making myself stronger mentally. These parts of me are things that I am keeping, hoarding from God, not letting Him close enough to help me do the painful work that I’ve needed for so long. The number one thing that God has shown me that I need to surrender over to Him is comfort. I like love being comfortable. I am happiest when I am in sweatpants, curled in blankets on my bed with only Netflix for company. I love it, but I’ve realized that I have been spending wayyyyy too much time in my comfort zone. Being close to God is not comfortable. I honestly believe that God’s plan for my life is not as comfortable as I’d like it to me. It will be a tough change, with lots of pain at first, but when it’s over I will see myself in a better place. I can hold myself to higher expectations, seek more out of my life. I am ready for these changes. I am ready for God to chisel away at me until I see myself as the daughter that God sees me as. 

Hopefully at the end of this season of change, I will be closer to God than ever. More of my life will be surrendered to Him, and I will be in a better place both physically and mentally. I am ready to be still, and know that He is God, and that He is in charge of my life. Tomorrow I am going to have my quiet time while I watch the sunrise on the ISAT balcony porch. Today was day 1, and I can’t wait to see what is in store for day 2.

Today I found a poem that I need to share with everyone:

“For a Friend ~ Meagan Riley

your heart is ablaze like a grease fire,

and even though you know better, 

you run it under the tap.

and the slick flames run down your body

and they don’t stop…

until he puts his hands on you

and smothers them out.

this is step one.

 

after this his hands are too heavy,

too hot;

they stick to your skin, held there by the burnt mottled clumps of grease,

the remains of what burned up your heart entirely…

not long ago.

your mind, untouched by the fervid flames, remembers only the pain.

you wonder if this is worth it at all.

it is not.

this is step two.

 

when he removes his hands, there are charred imprints left on your previously unmarked skin.

everyone can see them – you know everyone can see them.

you catch their eyes catching glimpses of the black hue of char on your arms,

on your neck,

on your legs.

it is so much worse than any burn you would have gotten if you had let the fire burn.

this is step three.

 

but you will move on,

and someone will find you and run his hands over

and over the charred and scarred remains of your heart and heal you,

and it will not feel like the wild hot rush of a grease fire when you look up at him,

but rather the soothing kiss of water from the tap running over the burn.

his hands run cold and bring goosebumps to your flesh,

and his embrace is softer than anything you could have imagined.

 

you have done it. this is step four.”

I think I like this so much because it finally puts words to what I’ve been feeling. This is exactly what it feels like. Yeah there is the initial break, but it feels much more like a burn. The pain makes you want to scream, and it gets way worse before it can start to heal and get better. You have to scrape the dead skin off before you can heal and be new again. 

jim and pam. (slight spoiler, but come on you knew it was coming)

I watched the last couple seasons of the Office when it aired on TV, and over the Christmas break I started watching all the way from the beginning. Sure it can be inappropriate at times, and some of the jokes are just dumb, but it is really one of those shows that lifts you up while making you laugh at the same time. I think my favorite part of the show has to be Jim and Pam’s love story. I mean, let’s be honest, it is most of the reason why I am watching this show. The way that Jim treats Pam is so honest and respectful that I definitely envy  long for that.

I finally got to the season where Jim and Pam start dating, and I am loving it. In the episode I watched today, Jim asked Pam to move in with him because she got thrown out of her apartment, and she said she won’t move in with him until she is engaged to him (not totally biblical, but at least much closer than most TV shows). Jim respected that, and his response was, “Oh that’s comin.” Pam just thought that he was joking, but when Jim talked to the cameras in the room away from Pam, he revealed the ring he bought her and said, “I bought it the week after we started dating. I lost her once and I am not about to make that same mistake again.”

I mean the passion of this guy. He carries around a ring waiting for the perfect opportunity to propose to Pam. He wants it now, but he is willing to sacrifice that to wait for the perfect moment so Pam can have everything she dreamed of. Even in the later episodes when Jim moves to Philly and things get strained in their relationship, Jim stays and works. He knew he made a mistake, so he makes it right by her. He sacrifices his dream job because he realizes that he would rather have his dream wife. I hope I find a “Jim” one day. I mean, how much more can a girl want from a fictional romance?

(When I found out that they weren’t married in real life, I was actually sad. They are my favorite.) 

 

Complete Surrender

When you’re sick, you do everything you can to make it better. You usually know what is making you feel bad, so you have a way of controlling what happens, or at least knowing what is ahead. What most people do no realize is that this tiny bit of control can be such a comfort that some people do not have. They don’t know what is ahead, or what made us sick. Unfortunately, I have been grappling with crippling nausea for a few months now and there is no real rhyme or reason to it. I cut out certain foods to see if it stopped happening, but nothing I tried worked. If only I knew something, then I would know how to make it better. At the very least I would know when it would end. 

But that is not how God operates. God wants us to give ALL of our control to Him, including control of our bodies. This is such a basic control that no one really realizes even exists, but God wants it. Complete surrender means saying, “OK God, I don’t feel good, but you have a plan for this, and it will make me stronger.” And yet, that is SUCH a hard prayer to pray. Anyone that has to deal with any type of sickness knows what I am talking about – you just want some comfort. But instead of finding that comfort in medicine and sweatshirts and soup, we should be trusting God. I am not at all saying don’t take Advil if you have a headache, or eat soup of you have a cold, but God will ultimately heal us. He is the one that can fix our broken human bodies, not us. 

“Gatsby looks at Daisy the way all girls want to be looked at”

I think that a lot of times, women are told that they are crazy or emotional or goodness knows what else we are told. And yes, sometimes we women are crazy and emotional and goodness knows what else. But sometimes, that can work in our favor. If we are crazy, that means we care. If we are emotional, it means that we are passionate. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, women want to be made to feel special. I know that I want to wake up one day next to a husband who I adore more than anything in the world, but more than anything, I want him to adore me even more. I want him to look at me the way that Gatsby looks at Daisy, like there is NOTHING else in this world that exists except for her. I want that feeling.

Unfortunately, as a woman, I need to be able to function as a single person before I can find my one. Right now I am having a lot of problems with being functional by myself because I have ALWAYS had someone to lean on, someone to take care of me. I think this weekend it has been hitting me especially hard because I am away from my family and the initial shock of the break is just starting to wear off. “What do I do now?” is a question that I have been really struggling with the past week. It is time for me to be single, but I don’t really know what that means yet to me. I know this is definitely a time to grow in Christ, but that is really about all I know.

I guess my whole point is that I want a husband. I want to be special to someone that can show me how they feel and love me every second of every day. I want that love and support, that person to lean on when life gets really tough. But first, I need to learn how to deal with life being really tough so I can be that person for him.

More Changes

After lots of thought and reflection, I have decided to discontinue my 365 Grateful Project this year. What has ended up happening is that it has been more of a nuisance than something that I enjoy. I end up taking crappy pictures and blogging right before I go to bed so my posts are bare and without meaning. Eventually, I will do this again, but in a scrapbook form. That being said, I am going to try to blog every few days or so, but when I have time and I can sit here and think about what I am typing. Thank you all for being patient with me as I figure out what will work for now that lots has changed. Have a good rest of the week, everyone 🙂