Today I have been off in my own little world. I guess you can call it daydreaming, but having little to no contact with anyone else for an entire day makes my brain go places. And for the first time, in a long time, I was really happy to be alone. I didn’t think about anyone else, which was surprisingly very nice. I daydreamed about traveling, just being on my own, and everything else that I am going to do with myself in the coming months and years. I’ve already learned things about myself that I never would’ve found out if I hadn’t taken the time to just be still. I have spent my life so far just running and moving, never stopping to just be. God wants us to be still – to listen to Him, but also to listen to ourselves. That is the problem with living a life that is constantly in motion – you sacrifice some important things in your life without realizing it. It was a nice refresher today to go to class and get things done, but also to be somewhere that I really wanted to be.
Along with this whole week of self-introspection, I’ve realized some things about my life that I’ve been lying about. I think I am finally ready to do the necessary work in my heart to make the changes I need to make in order to live the life I want to live. Most of the issues are little things that I need to do to make myself stronger physically, but the hard part will be making myself stronger mentally. These parts of me are things that I am keeping, hoarding from God, not letting Him close enough to help me do the painful work that I’ve needed for so long. The number one thing that God has shown me that I need to surrender over to Him is comfort. I
like love being comfortable. I am happiest when I am in sweatpants, curled in blankets on my bed with only Netflix for company. I love it, but I’ve realized that I have been spending wayyyyy too much time in my comfort zone. Being close to God is not comfortable. I honestly believe that God’s plan for my life is not as comfortable as I’d like it to me. It will be a tough change, with lots of pain at first, but when it’s over I will see myself in a better place. I can hold myself to higher expectations, seek more out of my life. I am ready for these changes. I am ready for God to chisel away at me until I see myself as the daughter that God sees me as.
Hopefully at the end of this season of change, I will be closer to God than ever. More of my life will be surrendered to Him, and I will be in a better place both physically and mentally. I am ready to be still, and know that He is God, and that He is in charge of my life. Tomorrow I am going to have my quiet time while I watch the sunrise on the ISAT balcony porch. Today was day 1, and I can’t wait to see what is in store for day 2.